Seasons change, self changes

As I sit here tonight in our office writing this Blog, I can't help but wish I was somewhere by myself, a dark room, with a fresh breeze, maybe some light music, a cup of sleepy-time tea would be nice, and perhaps there is such a place where my spirit could feel free again. Just for tonight. 

I went to the movie 'Eat, Pray, Love' last Thursday afternoon after work. It was the first time I had been to a movie by myself, and it was incredible. No more than three of us in the old theatre, clearly we were all trying to escape reality, we were all alone. What a perfect movie for someone to see alone too. The movie struck some personal chords though, and these feelings have stayed with me all weekend. In the movie, Julia Roberts sets out for a year long journey to three different countries to fight a burning itch within her and hopes to find an answer to her dissatisfaction in life. 

Don't you ever have those kinds of thoughts? What is my purpose in this life? Is this all that life really has to offer me, is this as good as it gets? What am I missing, how do I make these uncomfortable feelings of discontent stop? I swear there were times in that movie when I couldn't see the screen because my eyes were filled with tears, thinking to myself, 'how did they know what I was thinking'? Today I went on a run up and down Summit Ave and I was noticing how much the trees here in Minnesota are changing colors. The green oaks now have bright orange and brilliant red frosted tips. Fall is really here, and with a new season comes a chance for a refreshing reinvention of the Self. 

I couldn't help but think about my trip in '07 to the South Pacific, all of the people that I met, the places I saw, the experiences I had and the person I transformed into. 'Eat, Pray, Love' reminded me of how much life is out there, how many experiences are waiting to be had, and how insignificant my little life is. I was running from a lot of things when I left to go to Australia, and unfortunately it was all waiting for me when I returned back home. In retrospect, my arrival back to the states marks the downward spiral of my destructive behaviors, the brink of my addiction and the evidence of why my life was unmanageable. 

I slept in ancient huts in the mountains of Fiji with no electricity or running water. I traveled the Eastern coast of Australia, camping, sailing, kayaking, surfing, driving, floating my way around. I went black water rafting and tried extreme sports while living in an RV through the country of New Zealand. And I have my motor license in the Cook Islands, where i rode around the entire country in less than 2 hours. I was on the ultimate adrenaline rush, high on life, and when I came home I chased that feeling for two and a half years. I immediately developed an eating disorder, smoked cigarettes regularly, drank away my grief and got high to make it through another day. 

As I look back, each season seems to have its own 'monumental' moment. Something big that happened that directed my frame of mind for the months to follow. Some good, some tragic. But I can't help to think about the changing seasons and how refreshing they were. The smell of a new start, the sights of falling leaves, or falling snow, the ability to take a deep breath, or the chance to set new goals and standards. Some stuck, some mattered and some made a difference. Until the next season came and I felt an excuse to make a break, to let go, and clean my slate. 

 I couldn't help but to think of that today while i was running. Fortunately I now know that you don't have to travel half way across the world to find inner peace, to make a clean break or start over. It is a conscious choice we all make. But perhaps the changing of a season might give you a bit of motivation. 

I hope that this fall I will be more lit up than I was this summer regarding my work, my drive, my passion for making a difference in this world. I hope to stride for living in the gray rather than the black and white, and I pray for a little bit of that adrenaline that I know life has to offer. 

You see, we need the seasons to be able to grow. We need the change, and the excuse to re-evaluate and re-invent ourselves. Be hopeful, think of all the things that this Fall season will present you, both the good and the bad. As the seasons change, the self changes and we continue to grow. 


Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can’t even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I’m aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don’t have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert
From 'Eat, Pray, Love', Author, Elizabeth Gilbert