I have always been such a terrible decision maker. Ask anyone who knows me. I have vivid childhood memories of overwhelming episodes of anxiety when I would transition from my Dad's house back to my Mom's. Do I want to go to Ames or go to the Homecoming dance? Do I want a strawberry or raspberry smoothie? Do I buy the jeans or not? You know I am told that as an alcoholic one of my character defects is that I try and control my surroundings and I wouldn't disagree with that. Ironic though, that decision making has been such a struggle for me. Today I work very delicately on the idea that I can't control or change any person, place thing or situation. I can only be responsible for my own behaviors and actions. Well, don't get me wrong, I have made strides, but I am still not perfect. Working in an industry that is dominated by males I find myself struggling with containing my bossy attitude. I don't get road rage anymore because I've come to terms with the fact that I don't get to direct traffic, and I can't make a guy love me exactly the way I want to be loved if he doesn't have the capacity to do so.
But what interests me is the pivotal points in our lives that our decisions change everything. The times in our lives when we know we need help, but are too afraid to ask for it. The moments when we feel so broken and exhausted that giving up would be a hell of a lot easier than facing reality, and split seconds that we feed into our need for immediate gratification. For example, that morning when I realized I had hit my rock bottom, with my family in desperate pain staring at me with welted eyes, when I made my decision to drop everything and head to St. Paul, that was a pivotal moment.
I can't help but wonder though, what happens to us in the fragile moments leading up to a decision?
I can assume that everyone who is reading this right now has some aspect of their life that they know they could change, improve or flourish, but they just 'haven't gotten around to it yet'. Maybe you want to improve a relationship with a estranged sibling, start a work-out plan, seek council for the feelings you can't bare anymore, or even quitting your most guilty pleasure. I don't know what it was about that sunny May day in Iowa City, the overwhelming feeling, the burning sensation in my body that just decided for me. I was at such a low, I wasn't having fun anymore in life. The drinking, the partying, the non-stop on the go madness that my life consisted of had gotten the best of me. Its not like I had time to think about up and leaving Iowa City either, I was asked to leave on the spot and the decision was made in the same amount of time it takes me to complete a full inhalation.
Similar moments include the seconds I had before jumping out of an airplane 14,000 feet in the air over the Great Barrier Reef, swerving left instead of right in an oncoming car accident, and surrendering my will to the power of God.
Regardless of your situation, of how big you may think your problems are, of how scary it may be to take a deep look inside yourself, or how trapped you feel in dependency; we are all subject to pivotal points of change. Don't think with your mind, don't act on your heart, but allow the decision to move through you when and how it is supposed. to.
You don't have the control to orchestrate the pivotal points in your life. But pay close attention,because these simple. silky moments can pass you by. 
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