A day in the life of a not so typical 23 year old woman...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Serve-us Work

In the program of Alcohol Anonymous we have some simple sayings, mantras and words of advice that don't always make sense to outsiders or even newcomers. 'Keep it simple, stupid', 'first things first', 'and 'let go and let God' are some examples. When I came into this program of recovery I didn't understand why fellow members were suggesting that I do routine tasks such as attend meetings everyday, recite the serenity prayer and to find a sponsor. In my own complex world, these tasks seemed too elementary to be the true keys of serenity. Ironically, you would be amazed at the power that such simple actions have on one's journey to living a happy, joyous and free life.

Not only am I a recovering alcoholic, but I am a full-blooded Irish woman, I am the oldest of three, I'm stubborn, a Taurus, and a McCarney; therefore, I tend to think that I am better off doing things my way rather than listening to the compelling advice of God's 'little helpers'.

Ah, I have to stop and literally laugh out loud at how twisted my thinking can be sometimes! The truth is, there are miracles, yes, miracles that happen everyday in my life when I get uncomfortable, step outside of my box, shut up, and do what I am told. When I let go of all the control I so desperately try to wring out of my life, and do what has been suggested to me, I truly feel on fire, I feel useful, and spiritually fit.

For example, I was in the program of recovery for probably six months or so and had heard numerous members talk about the physical act of surrendering their will to God. ( Insert your Higher Power in wherever I write God). People would talk about not just praying in the morning, at night or in moments of sheer depletion, but suggested to physically get on my knees and pray. I used to laugh to myself whenever I heard that. In a new-aged, modern life it simply felt too 'old-school', until I tried it for the first time. As awkward as it felt, worrying if I was doing it right, it started to have an impact not only on the way in which I prayed, but on my life in general.

I stopped getting on my knees to pray after a while. It seemed too repetitive. And boy, did my life suffer without that spiritual connection. So I recently started again. And you want to know what I have been praying for every night the past two weeks? I have simply asked the God of my understanding to use me to be of service of others, because left to my own devices, I am not good on my own. "God, please use me to do your will" I say,  "to be of service to others, to help serve as it is the only thing healing for my busted heart". Here are some of the miraculous things that have happened this past week.

Last Wednesday I had a couple of cases cancel, my work schedule opened up, and I was able to help a dear friend complete some house work that seemed to be an overwhelming roadblock for her. In return for my physical labor, I was able to hear her personal testimony, and was introduced to the power of forgiveness. This week I took on a service commitment with my home group- and with some organization we may have a more effective group for women in recovery to meet. I volunteered today at a middle school, worked with 8th grade girls, promoting leadership in women, and hopefully will have a positive role in at least one girl's life. I felt compelled yesterday to reach out to a woman at a meeting, met with her today for coffee, drove her to a meeting and am temporarily sponsoring her.

Now, please know that I am not posting these deeds for hope of a compliment or the chance at winning this year's Nobel Peace Prize. Rather, I want you to know how moving it has been for me to get out of my own head for short moments each day, for me to be of service to others rather than be so consumed with my own man-made challenges. I have felt so full, soft-hearted, and useful these past couple of days.  In a time where mere struggle, anxiety and panic would be comfortable, I am making a conscious effort to step outside of myself and reach out to someone else. The effects are healing.

I don't have the influence or power to change someones life, cure cancer or stop starvation. I am not a Saint. My point in this post is to remind my reader's how fulfilling the gift of giving is. Sure, it would be easier to engage in selfish behaviors, to get loaded, smoke a bowl, spend some money on material things or bathe in self-loathing thoughts. But all I know is the more I can service others, the more I reach out, and stay willing to do God's will, the more spiritually fit I stay. And to be frank, that is what is keeping me sane today.

So tonight, I will get on my knees and ask God to continue to allow me to be of service to him as he sees fit. So in your moment of frustration, of angst, stress or fear today, think not what you can do for yourself, but what you can do for someone else. Don't overt-think it. Keep it simple, stupid! For me, getting outside of the chaos that goes on inside my head is what is saving my life today. So I will continue to kneel down and pray for more opportunities, more divine appointments, and more chances to serve others.

'Tis the season to get involved people!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Forgiving Me

A dear friend of mine is a forgiveness facilitator and once a month she hosts a free workshop open to the general public where she teaches the general philosophy behind forgiveness as an 8-step model. She calls it, 'Unconditional Love and Forgiveness 101'. I spent some time with her last week helping her paint and I was able to ask some general questions about forgiveness. I had no idea that there was so much scientific research behind this process and its power over our own mind, body, soul and society as a whole. I was intrigued to learn more so I went to the coffee shop on University Ave. where two other strangers were eager to learn the secrets of letting go to old resentments. The two hour session was not only mind-provoking, it literally changed my schema in regards to  the power of forgiveness in our lives.

The information that Diana presented was drawn from the Midwest Institute for Forgiveness Training. Accordingly, the institute defines forgiveness as 'releasing an expectation that is causing one to suffer. To cancel expectations, conditions, and demands of the mind that prevent free flowing extension of unconditional love from source shared between oneself and another'. In A.A. we keep it simple and say, 'Letting go, and Letting God'. We were taught that as humans in order to forgive we have to be willing to take our attention (the here and now) and focus it into an intention (capacity to heal).

There are three levels of consciousness that we have, the Subconscious (sleeping, dreams, core beliefs given to us as children), the Conscious (our senses, the here and now) and our Super-conscious (our inspiration, and highest ideals). The basic theory that Psychosynthesis captivates is that there is a barrier between our Subconscious and our Conscious; that in most situations there is not a free flowing synergy between what we experience and what our operating system (Subconscious) tells us. For example, you may get a promotion at work which seems like a positive thing, but inside you may feel guilty, anxious or non-deserving. This is a clash between the Subconscious and the Conscious, and what is so fascinating is that we all have a number of sub-personalities in our Subconscious that make up our core beliefs and you probably aren't even aware of them. These sub-personalities develop throughout our childhood and tend to be barriers to the way in which we relate throughout life. They are barriers to the free flowing energy that the Universe was meant for us to have, and in turn we tend to build up an armor around us that prevents the energy of unconditional love from flowing freely through us.

Take a minute and re-read the last paragraph. It is a lot to take in.

So in the process of forgiving others, and ourselves, the goal is to break down that barrier between what we experience and what our sub-personalities are telling us. Through the process of forgiveness we can explore those sub-personalities. recognize them, and work towards changing the way we think about our experiences in the here and now. You would be surprised how much power and control our sub-personalities have. They tend to drive the bus of our lives; the 4-year old girl who fears abandonment, the 8-year old girl inside me who can't ask for help, the 12-year old girl who craves external approval, or the 18-year old girl who is driven by fear. All of these sub-personalities of myself have driven my bus by mere instinct throughout my life, and it will be a process to slowly face each and every one of them to convince them that I am capable to driving the bus now, and that there is a new way to think about life in general.

This may all seem a bit far fetch for you. I would encourage you to check our Diana's website to learn more about the theory of forgiveness. Visit http://www.meetup.com/Steps-2-Forgiveness/  and learn more about Psychosynthesis, the 8-step model to forgive another person, and the overall power of forgiveness.

When Diana and I started our discussion about forgiveness I immediately started to think about the handful of people that have done me wrong, who have pissed me off, hurt my feelings or broken my heart. I had the audacity to think that there were a number of external factors to forgive, but didn't realize that the person I need to forgive the most is me. What a concept? Self-forgiveness? I mean, what did I do to myself that was that bad? Hmmm....how about the years and years of self-destructive behaviors, the lies, the guilt, the shame, the mistakes, and lack of self-respect to name a few. You would think that by attending therapy, by working a 12-step program, and by a spiritual connection that no form of forgiveness would be needed. Wrong! I have spent a year and a half on my new path of life, but I still am my own worst critic, I am still hard on myself, i still suffer from the brutalities of perfectionism, and I don't allow myself much room for mistakes. I have a lot of amends to make with myself, the many facades of myself that exist; that innocent child (little Jilly-Bean) who so desperately deserves unconditional love and forgiveness.

Self-forgiveness is a whole separate process so when I get to it, I will fill you in.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Honesty Heals

I've recently encountered a few situations in which I was asked to be brutally honest with myself, with those around me and asked to come clean about some issues in which I have been avoiding. I don't know about you, but for me the idea of being 100% honest, of fully opening myself up to vulnerability has always been far more scary than telling a few white lies here and there. I've always done a really superb job of compartmentalizing my life; choosing to reveal bits of myself in certain ways to certain people and hiding behind simple lies to protect my self image.

It is easy to tell this person this thing, and that person that thing. By building up an armor of lies I can protect myself and others from being hurt by the unbearable truth I feel I have deep inside me. However, what I have found is that the maintenance of keeping my lies straight is far more work than just being brutally honest. Not only have I been lying to those people closest to me, I have been lying to myself for quite some time now.

Why is the truth so scary? Why does vulnerability seem so unmanageable? The truth is, when I fully envelope myself into the simple act of being honest and up front life is less complicated. I have conditioned myself throughout life to put others' needs before my own, to take care of everyone else around me rather than doing what I need to do for myself. Like I have said before, taking care of myself has been a new endeavor, and it takes a lot of practice. The thought of putting my own needs before others' seems selfish, unjust and down right uncomfortable.

For example, when I was diagnosed with Stargardt's five years ago, the first thing I said to my mother was, 'I just don't want anyone to worry about me'. I spent the majority of my time taking care of everyone Else's feelings around the subject and neglected my own. I coped in my own way. I would roll around and smoke weed alone- and truthfully I believe that is what got me through that dark time in my life. I never allowed myself to be taken care of by anyone else. The upkeep of this facade was so exhausting. I spent all of my energy making sure that everyone Else's needs were taken care of, making sure that everyone else was coping alright, and neglected the fear, anxiety, grief and pain that I myself felt inside. Rather than being honest with the people around me, rather than just telling them how scared I am and how much I was struggling, I chose to front a bucket of lies to protect them. Well- that didn't work, and in turn I ended up suffering even more in the agony of my own isolation.

I have had a couple encounters this past week in which I was able to be fully open and honest with a couple of women who are very dear to me. As my nerves set in, the pit in my stomach grew, I swallowed my pride and got honest with what has really been going on inside me lately. And you know what- no one fled, no one got angry or upset, but rather a greater respect was gained and a deeper connection grew. I felt a 500lb weight lifted off of my shoulders, and by being brutally honest- I've found a healing process taking place.

Honesty heals the soul. To have the courage to be honest with yourself and those around you is a tact that isn't learned overnight. It is easier said than done, and it takes practice. Honesty doesn't snowball into deceit, it doesn't lead you astray and most importantly it allows you the ability to lead life with a bit of integrity and self-love. I've never felt so close to another human being as I have this past week when I was able to wear my heart on my sleeves and be honest. You can't expect to grow, to change or to heal stuck in a mud-pile of lies; in fact the only way to deepen your roots is to acknowledge your feelings and experiences for exactly what they are. I truly believe that the only way to grow is to practice consistent honesty.

Easier said than done. But I will tell you this- I've been able to look at my reflection in the mirror with love and compassion as a result of my own honesty. How healing!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A case of the "-itis"

Living with three teenage boys has been one of the best experiences I have ever had. I left Iowa City last spring where I had lived in a dorm, sorority house, and an apartment with 4 other women for two years- so some adjustments were necessary when three teenage boys became my new roommates. I thought girls could put down on food- but rice cakes, turkey sandwiches and salads were nothing compared to the frozen pizzas, microwavable bacon and Cheetos that n ow fill my pantry. Guys might be a bit messier with their Gatorade bottles, video games and hats consuming our common room- but trust me- it sure beats make-up, bobby pins and locks of hair all over the bathroom! Living with the boys has also taken me back to the uncomfortable place of puberty, braces, puppy love and raging hormones. My eldest cousin, Michael has a severe case of senior-itis and honestly I feel for him.

It is easy to forget what it is like to be 17 again. Thinking that you know it all, that you have life figured out, that you are responsible, and that you don't need any help from your parents, because then again what the hell do they know?! Even though most of us look back at high school in rosy-retrospection- I admit- halfway through my senior year I couldn't wait to get the hell out of Verona and start the rest of my life. I had a bad case of senioritis myself not only in high school but in college as well. It got me thinking though, now that I am done with school can I still have a case of the "itis-isms" regarding my day to day life in general?

When you think of "-itis" you may think of the medical term which suggests that you may have irritation of a particular organ. "-itis: may mean a discomfort or irritability with whatever you want to put before the suffix. For seniors- the "-itis" may refer to straight boredom and exhaustion from the routine of school, the anxious feeling that occurs while going through the motions when you know that the end is so close. For me, my "-itis" creeps up on me with life in general. Perhaps it is a certain relationship, a job, a schedule or the simple routine of life. Sometimes I get the itch of irritability, I lose all serenity and angst for a little chaos in my life.

Unfortunately, I don't have a time period on the rest of my life. I don't see an end in site. I don't have four years to deal with my addiction until I reach the phantom finish line. I don't get to endure Stargardt's for a while, conquer it and be done. I get myself in trouble if I think about life as a long blank sea with no end. Some days I have to break my life down not only day by day, but hour by hour. My restlessness is an ugly enemy.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Dark Side of Addiction

Not in a place worth writing tonight. I intend to get into some of the raw and tragic truths of being an addict...





I have been struggling lately with the dark side of my addiction. When I decided to indulge myself into sobriety a year and a half ago I had no idea that life without drugs, alcohol, egotistical thoughts and selfish behaviors would still be so challenging. I had expended every outlet of mood altering drugs that my body could handle, and when I hit my rock bottom I hit so hard that I was willing to do anything to get the sour taste of shame out of my mouth for good. Sure, I have had spells of intense cravings to take the edge off, to take a puff of green, to drink an ice cold miller light and I miss the productivity that amphetamines gave me. I missed the party scene, the fun spurt of excitement that the fast lane of sex drugs and rock and roll brought to my life. I listened to hundreds of suffering addicts and alcoholics talk about relapse, about using dreams and the type of cravings that make your palms sweat. But I never thought that I could slip so easily back into my old habits. I convinced myself that once I reached serenity I had it for good. But unfortunately this wicked disease of addiction is something I have to deal with every single day for the rest of my life.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells us that we must shatter the romanticized pedestal that so many of us put our drug of choice on. I have to forget about the good times that I had drinking with friends, the laughs that came out of a lit bowl with my best friends, and had to let go of the idea that any pill can make me feel better. The truth is, for me, there is no such thing as a glass of wine with dinner or a couple of beers at a ball game. There is no such thing as smoking in moderation or saying no to a mood altering drug. I'd being lying to myself- and to you- if I told you that these things aren't appealing to me anymore. I think about them every passing minute of the day- luckily there are ways in which I have learned to quiet the voices enough to be able to function. But the thoughts, the fantasies, the memories, and the cravings are with me every breath, of every minute of every single passing day.

I have experienced a life of serenity, moments of organic happiness, a clear vision and a justified reason to live. You know I have learned a lot about myself, and I know that I am a really great actress. I can easily convince those around me that I am working an honest program, I can convince people that living a sober lifestyle is easy, and I can even convince myself that I've turned a leaf and have the will power to face addiction when it is convenient for me. Unfortunately- I won't be up for an Oscar anytime soon- ha, I can't even convince myself that things are O.K.

Today I went to an A.A. meeting and bounced my leg anxiously for the entire 56 minutes and 27 seconds that it lasted. My palms were sweaty, my mouth was dry, and I couldn't get the thought of marijuana out of my head the entire time. I didn't want a drink- that would require too much work to get drunk. I didn't want pain pills because they would take too long to kick in. But weed- shit I wanted nothing more than the THC to fill my bloodstream which would have only taken about two or three inhalations and a few rough exhalations. Even though it would only take me a few hits to get high- I would have smoked an entire Edith if it was in front of me. Not because I consciously wanted it- but because that voice in my head would have convinced me that I needed it- that I deserved it- and that God dammit I had to have it.

I went to get my tattoo touched up this afternoon and the cravings followed me. I was driving into Dinkytown and found myself categorizing the civilians on the sidewalk. I rolled my window down at one point at a stop light because I was convinced that I spotted a man that had to have been a pothead and maybe he could spot me a bowl. But the light turned green and I didn't have time to converse.

The insanity continues. It is always there. I don't want to smoke weed, feel out of control and spiral back down, but when I comply even for a second to the thoughts in my head- waving down a junkie in the middle of downtown Minneapolis is where I end up. This disease is so exhausting. Some days are better than others- some days are more manageable than others, and there are moments in which I can have peace. But not today. Today I am enduring the darkest facets of my addictive tendencies. Some days I want to throw my hands in the air and give up. Some days I think to myself- what is the point? Some days I would do anything to be a "normie".

I can't even think of time on a day-to-day basis right now. I am taking today minute-by-minute trying to get through the next breath without enacting on my cravings. You see, the dark side of my addiction is not that I don't know when to stop drinking, its not that I have a physical allergy to mood altering chemicals- but rather the dark side of my addiction consists of the persistent thoughts I think leading up to that first drink, that first puff, snort or swallow. Most days- I am my own worst enemy. 

Monday, November 1, 2010

The idea of you

I have quite a bit to write about I feel like. I have been straying off the straight and narrow path of perfection lately, and have been putting off my regular coping mechanisms. I've just been experiencing this breath of fresh air- this change, morphed version of myself- and I kind of like it. One of my new tactics is changing up my routine- so my blog has been put on hold. I apologize- I promise this week I will put more of an effort into letting you all in to the ring of chaos that envelopes my mind.

I had a pretty intense therapy session tonight. One of Oprah's critically acclaimed, 'Ah-Ha!' moments. I swear- just when I think life is boring and that I could use a little spice- I go to therapy, share my experiences, think my thoughts and feel my feelings- and I seem to always come through with a spit of exhilaration.  You know I have explained the black/white phenomenon that I frequently instill my schema with- that staying in the gray, living a balanced life- takes practice, and a lot of getting used to. It is easier for me to jump to conclusions, to loath in self-righteous behaviors, reward myself one minute and punish myself the next. It can be exhausting. It is a mental battle I struggle with on a daily basis. That is why I need my therapist though- to remind me that i am exactly where I need to be. I am perfectly on-time on my journey in this life- and I often times need such outside perspective!

So I took the long way home tonight. As I was driving I was shuffling through my iPod until a familiar song by Dave Matthews Band came on. The title of the song is 'Idea of You'. For some reason tonight this song sang right to me, and I haven't been able to get these simple lyrics out of my head. In his chorus  Dave sings,
' I fall so hard inside the idea of you
That's why with you can't say what I mean
Wanna to stay but I think I'm getting outta here'. 


OK- so I switched topics in the car tonight. I went from being self-concerned to wondering about love and intimate relationships. I feel that recently I have been stuck by a midst of lust and this song helped me process the feelings. I am not at a place in my life where I am actively searching for a companion, I am not holding onto long distance interactions, and in my world there is no such thing as a biological clock. But how do you know when you come across love? How can we recognize it without mistaking it for a blanket of lust. In thinking about my most recent intimate relationships I think about these lyrics and wonder- how do you decipher loving someone or just loving the idea of them?

I realized this weekend in talking with some long-time friends that I have had a lot of fleeing relationships- typically with men who are unavailable or in different zip codes.I can fall hard into the idea of someone. Thinking that maybe this person, the way we met, the divine appointment, the reason our paths were crossing is because we were meant to be together...then I take a deep breath and realize that that sort of commitment scares the shit out of me- that I would never be able to fully commit to a relationship- and which is why I don't ever give myself away emotionally. 

In thinking about relationships I can honestly say that in critical moments when I want to share how I feel, I shut down, punish myself before anyone else has the chance to hurt me- and bail. Obviously this cycle doesn't work. I recognize what goes on, and I am learning to understand why I act the way I do. 

Like I said, this blog is up close and personal. No shame- no gain. I just wanted to admit to the fantasy and story that I can comply to in my head.Creating such scenarios prematurely can lead to disappointment- and let down. Besides- someone you meet might just surprise you and surpass the preconceived notions you originally created. 

I'll just stay in 'la-la' land until Mr. Right shows up.