There isn't anything in my life right now that is significant enough to upset me. I had a wonderful weekend, relaxing, fulfilling and productive. My week is off to a great start. And I found myself in therapy last night dozing off a bit, trying to find a few things worth talking about, but I just seemed to be doing fine. Bored if anything, actually that was the word of the night. I am getting a bit bored with life, and for me, that means that things are going smoothly. I like chaos, I am used to the ups and downs, and when I'm not in the midst of commotion I tend to get restless. (I am working on it though. Trust me. Over a year now I have been working my own personal therapy on a weekly basis, and being content in the even-keel is still something I struggle with). But this blank, dull, Blah feeling of boredom took a turn today and turned into a bit of irritation.
It started when I missed my alarm this morning and missed a great 12 step meeting at 6;30am. My day started a bit off. As I drove to my first case this morning there was nothing on the radio, and all I wanted was to hear one good 'pump-me-up' song before I hit the ground running. Nope, nothing more than phony ads. everything was annoying me. The pace people were carrying on at, the looks I was getting, perky people, blank people, the people I usually enjoy being around were getting to me. I even had a bit of road rage today! I haven't experienced that since I have lived up here in the metropolitan area, and I drive at least 100 miles on a typical work day. I even flipped some guy in a green mini-van the bird because he wouldn't let me in his lane! How disgusting of me!! (Although, it felt a bit liberating). When I got home I wanted a 30 minute nap, and Pacino was going ape-shit over a ground squirrel out the window and ruined my quiet time.
Tonight at yoga, the part of my day I was looking forward to the most, I couldn't hold a pose. I was losing my balance, getting aggravated. Some woman came in late, messed up my chi, and the instructor was being slow and making us stay in uncomfortable poses for an ungodly amount of inhalations. I came home to my room in the basement and in the dark felt and heard crunching Frito Scoops in between my toes. Ugh, can't the boys pick up after themselves? Not be slobs in MY space? (Irrational). Then I got agitated because I sounded like my mother in my own head.
WTF? Why today? I couldn't even relax in the shower. So here I am writing a blog, moaning about how angry I am over the most petty, insignificant, stupid incidents ever. I can't shake the feeling. It is my personality to want to control every situation, people, placed and things. I know that. I admit it, accept it and work on it in my daily life. But some days I am sick of working so hard. I am frustrated.
Some days I get pissed that I have to work twice as hard as my peers because I have half the vision. Sometimes I am resentful that I can't enjoy a beer like a normal drinker, and that I will forever struggle with my addictive behaviors. Some moments I feel so much pent up anger that I swear I could put a fist through a brick wall, and some passing breaths I wish I could get out of my own head.
Yeah, yeah, at least I get to experience these feelings though right? I am not numbed out to them, it is a part of learning and a part of growing. I just haven't felt the raw burn of anger for a long time and it is really uncomfortable.
I'll pray on it tonight, go to my women's meeting first thing in the morning, and hopefully when I face the day these feelings of rage will be lifted. Maybe boredom leads to anger. Maybe I am just feeling this way because I am filling space. Either way, I know I don't want to live filled with fury, and as much as I hate winter, I hope this feeling passes as flurries do across a dashboard on a cold night in Minnesota.Phew!
Jillian, I know what you need!! ( See...I'm a therapist and didn't even know it!!!)...Art Therapy!!! If you could put your feelings onto a canvas, on paper, fiber, anything....it would be so wonderful!!! You are very creative. There is so much in your soul that you need to share. I wish you could connect with someone that could guide you to some creative outlets!! Have you ever given that much thought? It would help with the boredom! I think that you are going through a transistion time. Just like going from middle school-high school-college. Kids learn to juggle school, sports, homework, jobs, friendships, chores....and then when you finish school and just have to juggle work and your personal life...it seems as if there is so much down time. If you had a creative outlet....you would find a way to fill up your soul with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. I know you made some beautiful pottery when you were in high school........find a pottery studio! There is a program here that people can go and volunteer to make small bowls. In November there is a huge festival of soup tasting. You buy the bowl for a big price tag and use it to eat soup from different restaurants at the festival. The food bank gets all of the money that is raised from selling the bowls!!! I bet there is something similar near you!!! I get the best feeling when I get to work with my fabric/fiber. I love creating and giving away my work. I'm sure you would too! And it is perfect for someone that may have vision challenges because it is so tactile.
ReplyDeleteGo find a wheel and make me something! I love you and I am enjoying this blog.
Love Aunt Mary