I actually have quite a few things rolling through my head today, some of which should not be posted publicly, some of which I shared with my Sponsor, some I revealed to my therapist, and others I told my Physician. Last Tuesday morning I woke up with excruciating abdominal pain. No nausea, not even the feeling of an upset stomach, I mean I'm talking it felt like someone stabbed me with two aggressive wrenches and every time I moved, walked or took a deep breath, the ratchet would tighten. OK, maybe that is a bit dramatic, but in all honesty I was hurting. Now you need to understand this about me; I can endure pain. I once fractured my elbow in college after some slap-dick took me out in a co-ed basketball league and didn't take any medication until my E.R. visit the following day. I have scars all over to reflect the destruction my body has been through. You try walking in 4-inch high heels in the middle of an Iowan winter, on a sheet of ice! I am pretty sure my legs were bruised throughout my drinking years due to the stupid shit I did. Paint this picture; I woke up after graduating college with a black eye, a shredded shirt, fat lip, bloody, battered, fleshy gashes, and bruised ribs. Yeah, not ideal. My eyes physically hurt on a bright and sunny day if I don't have sunglasses on. Scratch that, it doesn't even have to be sunny, cloudy days are hard to adjust to as well! Physical pain? Yeah, I can handle that.
But this past week in the midst of my pain, in between pounding 8-12 Advil's a day to get by, after slowly moving out of the fetal position to get out of bed, the physical pain didn't seem so bad. I didn't get any better as the week progressed. It actually got worse. My family was actually worried, so I sucked it up and went to the Doctor today to find out that I had a bladder infection. Doc couldn't figure it out, I spent 2 hours at His office.
Once you get the image of urine out of your head you can pay attention to the point I am going to make...
As I was sitting there today I thought that the physical pain I was enduring really didn't seem like much compared to some of the emotional pain I have recently dealt with in the last couple years of my life. I mean in comparison, the abdominal pain, the loss of appetite, the fatigue, none of it compares to a broken soul. After spending years of my life numbing my feelings, my fears, reality, and my emotional pain, it was hard sitting with myself, I mean taking a raw look in the mirror was insufferable.
Now I get to experience the positives too. I get to laugh naturally, I've felt what it feels like to really love, and feel organically happy. But there are times of loneliness, grief, anxiety, frustration, and anguish that are truly painful. Being brutally honest, admitting my faults, facing the guilt and shame of my past, being rejected, growing apart from those close to me, giving up my favorite coping mechanisms, fighting cravings to take the edge off, (when all I want to do is say 'f*@# it' and get high); these things are far more unbearable than a stomach cramp or a moderate migraine. For example, someone very dear to me is a healthy, active, fit, person who is on the go 24-7. But this person's emotional pain is eating away at his inner core that he is literally deteriorating. It has to be a balance.
What I am learning here in St. Paul is how to take care of myself. Emotionally. And physically. They are equally just as important. Mind+Body+Spirit.
Living a balanced life is a daily challenge for me. In my pane I have a belly full of antibiotics, a mind at ease, and a heart that has a serene beat to it. Well, at least for tonight.
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