Get involved: Part 2.

So I need to catch everyone up on where I have been the past couple of weeks. I have been all over the place, from the Gulf Coast back to Iowa City. I've put some miles on my car, too many dollar signs on my credit card, and threw my new gained experiences in my knapsack and am now getting settles again back here in the Twin Cities.

Two weekends ago I made a trip down to Bonita Springs, FL for a little work rondevu. Oh, I also attended the Arthrex National Sales Meeting. :) It was great, it the one time a year all of the reps from all around the country get together with Corporate, other Surgeons, and celebrate a year of hard work. I probably love it so much because there aren't too many other girls, I am surrounded by outgoing, interesting men ranging from the age of 24-50 years old, I got my own King size room (with a balcony!), and had my choice from 4 outdoor pools. I ate like a queen, stayed up late and got involved. The last night we were staying at the Hyatt most everyone left to go home- but I stayed with my two closest buds- members of the program, they actually occupy the inner nest that only few are privileged to be a part of. Brian, Donny and I convinced the reeption-ers at the Hyatt that we needed to impress our oh so important docs in town for the night, so for no charge- my boy Andrew upgrade us to the Penthouse Suite! The 'Island Suite' had 5 balconies, a full bar, pull out beds, and a breathtaking view.

All you can do it ask- the worst thing that anyone can say to you is no. That was a job well done. With live music outside, the ocean breeze and good company- we lived like champions- and at least for one night I got to forget about myself as a recovering addict, as a saleswoman, as a niece, a daughter, a friend or mentor- for one night I got to let go. I laughed so hard my belly ached for day after my trip. I didn't sleep much, but I will hold on to those memories for months to come. What a pick-me-up!

This past weekend I traveled back to Iowa City for the first time in a year and a half. Megan, Holly, Cole, Dani, Eric- respective family and friends were all in town- I had to go. I finally felt like i was in the right place to go back and face the place that left a bitter taste in my mouth for almost a year.

Driving 5 hours through the state of Iowa leaves someone a lot of time to think. I had a lot of time to process the situation and suit myself up for familiar faces and comfortable places. I had such a blast while I was there though. I got to hit up some of my favorite spots, and walk my old stomping grounds. I got to tailgate in the black and gold and share my growth and perseverance with some people who probably thought I would never make it out in the real world. I got to make some amends and share some explanations with others. It was a fulfilling trip. I got a drink thrown on me, made the sober walk of shame, ate a greasy pizza at 2am with my two best friends, and got no sleep. Such a warm welcoming back to the place I used to call home- the weekend was complete.

I'll admit though- I had the Sunday blues on my drive back home. It was an emotional highway. Leaving the friends, and that city just made me so sad. I never got a fulfilling closure with Iowa City- and it just felt really good to leave there on a positive note and with a contentious feeling in my heart.

I got involved in Bonita Springs, and in Iowa City. I met some great new people, visited some old wounds, laughed my ass off, cried a few tears, but showed the world that no matter how high the highs, and no matter how low the lows- i am always constantly growing. Are you?

Get involved.

I know, I know, I know. It has been too long, I have been gone for a hot minute. I apologize. I haven't forgotten about you though. I have been mustering up some well thought out blogs in the time being. I have been pretty busy the past couple of weeks, visiting with some great friends, traveling to the Gulf coast, and expanding my social stature here in the Twin Cities. Ha.

After a breath of fresh air I am happy to inform you that I am starting a new series I've entitled, 'get involved'. The series will focus on the ways in which I am paying it forward in my life. This is my mantra. These are the rules I live by. Whenever in doubt, find your friends of the program, be in, not out, and get involved. It is an optimistic, upbeat way of saying, 'just do it', 'say yes' and never look back .It is the answer to those split seconds where we hesitate on a decision, resist an answer, or delay activation. Something has come over me in the past three weeks. A new leaf has turned, I got my wind back in my pipe, and I'm all in, ready to get involved!

So first segment of this series I will break the news that about a week and a half ago, Megan and Holly were visiting from Chicago for the weekend. These are my two best friends from college, and the three of us together = the bad girls club of _(insert city). We have a blast together, are continuously laughing, and I am the best version of myself when I am with these two women. They met me in my prime, saw me make mistakes, make the walk of shame, explore myself as an adult, and act as study buddies. These girls helped me cook my first home-cooked meal in our broke-ass apartment, they picked me up after falling down, and they stood by me in during my rock bottom. These are women are the types of friends that are irreplaceable, that know what I am thinking before I say anything, who can convince me to change the world, and who give me the confidence I so desperately long for. I am merely a reflection of my myself through the eyes of the people I surround myself with, and I know that when I am in the company of Megan and Holly, I am the Jillian that I so easily fall in-love with.

We had a hell of a time in the twin cities. Saturday when they were here we were making our way around town, and we were driving through Dinkytown which is where the U of M campus is, and we saw a tattoo parlor. So naturally, we pulled the car over and walked into the shop open-minded. Now anyone that knows me, knows that I have been wanting to get a tattoo of a tree for years now. I have dabbled in a few parlors here and there around the country, but haven't clicked with any of the artists. Until Saturday. Rich, the Irishman, with sleeves, a nose piercing, and scar alongside his left face looked just like my kind of guy! There was great synergy between us, and after I gave him my painting to trace I didn't even think twice before saying, 'Get Involved'. Rich and I went out front, had a smoke and then I spent two grueling hours laying on my side with Rich straddling my side. Kinky I know. I mean I can handle physical pain, the emotional shit is unbearable- so I thought. After two hours, my jaw hurt so bad from clenching my teeth that it hurt to relax my cheeks. The needle felt like it was piercing my rib bones ever so slightly,  yet left a stinging prick like a bee's thorn. But the finishing product couldn't have been more perfect. Take a look for yourself. It is magical, I can't stop looking at it in the mirror. It is me, through and through.

Oh- Holly got a tat too, bucked up and 'got involved'. Now I look like a tough cookie with a tat in the most painful place on the human body. I feel like a badass chicky babe, with a new attitude and a fixed crave for adrenaline.

It is a reminder to me that no matter how deep our roots, how shallow our egos, how painful our experiences or how far our achievements reach, we are all changing and we are all constantly growing.

If I knew then, what I know now...

Ah, I love Mondays. They used to be the buzz kill to a great weekend 'trip', but now they are the day of the week in which I gain the best perspective. My therapist was out of town last week, so I went two weeks without a 'me' sesh, and as I was moving through my day today  I couldn't help but to feel a little off kilter. Now most people have their own preconceived notions about someone who is in therapy once a week; however,  before you get to judge me I will let it be known that I don't have to go to therapy, but rather I get to work on myself in therapy. Out of the 168 hours that consume my week, I allow myself 50 minutes to focus on nothing but me.

So, that brings me to the hot topic of tonight's conversation. One of my biggest struggles is is maintaining a balanced perspective on life. It is easier for me to jump to conclusions, for my mind to go to an irrational places and for me to comply to my dramatic story rather than to surrender to the moment. I am more comfortable in the black or white than I am in the grey. I tend to get ahead of myself a lot. I often unconsciously wear a 40 pound weight on my shoulders by convincing myself that after all I've been through, after all of the work I've done, and changes I've made- I should have it all figured out. (Insert therapist here). This is why I pay the big bucks- to be reminded that I am just where I need to be right where I am, and no- I don't have it all figured out. Oh, and news-flash, most people don't! Phew.

So after the relief wore off, i began to wonder- what am I missing? What is it that only time and experience can teach? I don't want to wait another 25 years to figure it out! I need the instant gratification, I want a quick-fix for the fear that tells me I am missing something.

So I decided to ask some of the older, wiser, more mature people in my life how they would answer this question; If you knew then what you know now, what would you tell the average 20-something year old about life in general? I mean picture meeting yourself at 23 years old- what would you say to that person standing before you? What advice do you have for those of us living in a vulnerable place? In ten words or less, what words of wisdom can you offer the men and women in my demographic? Here are a couple of the responses I got tonight.

The worst thing people can tell you is NO.  True that. Although not if you are asking if your jeans make your ass look big, or if you offer to pay the tab for a dinner party of 12. 

Get to know yourself. Easier said than done. Sometimes taking a raw, hard look at ourselves in the mirror is painful. However, you are bound to be delightfully surprised by something learned. I can check this one off my list- I am getting to know myself, inside and out. So far I've learned that I am an introvert not an extrovert, I enjoy writing, I am more productive when I am busy, self-care is hard work, and I am not perfect. That is just what I know about myself solo- not in relation to other people. Nah, I don't want to go there...

Don't be afraid to change. I like to think of myself as an adventurous,  adrenaline, risk-taker - but really I am terrible with transitions and am uncomfortable with change. The thought always sounds good, exciting and fun, but when push comes to shove, I like a little stability in my life. I am young and single though- when am I going to take that leap of faith, move out West, and dare to shake things up? Can't I just change my diet, my clothes and my attitude? What am I afraid of?!

Pace Yourself.  On Sunday I cheered on thousands of runners participating int he Twin Cities Marathon. The challenge seemed exhilarating, and I would love to someday say I completed a marathon, but I couldn't help to think how in the world these people could pace themselves for 26.2 miles! Once you know where the finish line is, don't you just want to get there as soon as possible? You mean the patience in the first half of the marathon makes up for the potential pain in the second half? Huh, what a concept.

I just took a deep breath- I can't live life in such a rush. Things will happen as they are supposed to...

As a general note- the peanut gallery made it clear to wait to get married and have kids for as long as possible! Ha!

I am really curious to know that other readers have to say. Feel free to respond with your own advice. I want to soak this all in sooner rather than later. These simple mantras gave me the perspective that I needed today.

Life is about living, it is about experiencing circumstances organically...but as Mary Poppins said, 'a  spoon full of sugar, makes the medicine go down'.

Taking a Personal Day

I want to introduce everyone to a concept that might lower your stress level, mentally and physically re-energize your batteries, point you to your true north, remind you of the power of free will, allow some room for self love, and possibly increase your libido. 'Taking a Personal Day' is the art of knowing when to listen to that little voice inside you that speaks with a contentious tone and reminds you that indulging in personal pleasures is a part of living a balanced life. 


I used to take personal days quite often at a time in my life when things were unmanageable. I would usually sleep off a sheet of shame, a gut of guilt or a bad hangover. Sometimes I just needed a day to check back in with myself, get grounded and rebel against the structured life that had depleted me. Sometimes I just needed a reason to hang out with my best friends. Taking a personal day involves diving into your inner most guilty pleasures without feeling guilty. It means eating whatever kinds of food you want to without counting calories, or worrying about the aftermath effect. In fact, on a personal day you are highly recommended to eat only foods at the top of the pyramid that include high volumes of salt, sugar, and fat. You should stay dirty and grungy on your personal day, sleep, watch sappy movies, turn your cell phone off, and slip into your most comfortable pair of sweatpants. Oh, and it is essential to have a heating pad!


I wasn't feeling down and out today, I wasn't hungover (thank God!), I'm not stressed, feeling rebellious or overtired. Nope. Today, I just gifted myself with the freedom to move through the day seamlessly. I slept in until about 9an, and lied in bed for a while enjoying the process of waking up, rather than jumping out of bed in a scramble to get going. I went to Costco with my Aunt, bought unnecessary items in extreme quantities. I walked around my favorite place in the Twin Cities, Lake Harriet, and enjoyed a 16 oz. coffee. Sun shinning, leaves falling and the sailboats anchored on the shoreline were barely moving. I met some local vendors at the St. Paul farmer's market, and got a much needed manicure and pedicure as a late afternoon delight. I took a nap on the couch, ate apple crisp crumb pie (1/4 of it) before dinner, and ended the night with a hot bath with sleepy time bubbles and silky oil. 


Today I didn't wait for things to snowball to take a personal day. Rather, I treated myself to 'free time', the opportunity to take care of myself emotionally, physically and spiritually. You see, I practice a kind of self love today that I never thought possible for myself. I escape reality just for today, to get solid in my roots and to spread the oxygen evenly within my body. I let thoughts move in and out of me gently, I soak up the moments of stillness and absolutely hold on to the feeling of pure serenity that results in a 'personal day'. 


It is kind of nice not waiting until things get way out of hand before I take a proactive approach in cleaning out my sandbox. 'Personal Days' are not meant for habit, they won't cure painful situations, and they don't stop the world from turning. But if utilized properly they can bring you back to life, they can replace the negative toxins with fresh rejuvenated endorphins, and at the least they will allow you to remember the simple pleasures in life that are worth living for. 


You will notice that at the bottom of this page I have a variety of lists in which I list specific things that I am grateful for on that given day. I recommend that you begin to think about the small things in life that you appreciate, but forget to acknowledge. Interesting that the more we experience, the older we get, the more we change, and the deeper we grow; our personal pleasures seem to stay more simplistic. 


So treat yourself to your own 'personal day'. You're worth it!


Ah. Deep breath inhale, 1...2...3...4, and exhale. 1...2...3...4.