Bare Essentials

It rained cats and dogs here today in the Twin Cities. I mean it didn't stop all day. The clouds didn't let up, the sun didn't come out, and the raindrops seemed to get bigger as the day went on. Now that I haven't been in Seattle for 5 months I can honestly say that I love a good, hard rain. It is relieving in a sense. Think about the anticipation that people have when it hasn't rained for a couple of weeks. At least here in the Midwest, we enjoy every sunny day and don't take them for granted, because we know that a plethora of rain (or snow) will surely make its appearance, whether we like it or not. On a gloomy, dark, eire day like today I felt relieved.

A steady rainy day like today is like a good, long. hard cry.You know the kind of cry that creates tracks of tears down your face. The kind of cry that makes you whimper, gasp for air and tightens the back of your throat. Rarely, very rarely I get to have a good cry. We physically release pent up emotions, captured tension and a bit of our heart. Our insides literally come out of our inner being in the form of tear drops. Isn't that ironic? It takes an emotional breakdown, a tragedy, weeks or years of pent up resentment even for  us to get out what we have been holding inside ourselves. I experience moments of anticipation every so often, where I think I am going to crack, I can feel a rainy day coming on. I used to have a lot more rainy days of my own before I discovered how to thoroughly take care of myself. I prefer a few daily sprinkles here and there because it helps cut down my anxiety in anticipation of a rainy day.

It is relieving once you can come out on the other side of  a raw emotional experience. But what I find challenging is how to be supportive, loving and present when the people I care about most are struggling themselves wit stormy weather. It can be an uncomfortable place can't it? If a loved one, a friend, co-worker, parent, or child is struggling to the point that you can literally envision their dark thoughts and rain clouds beginning to hover. I used to live a life in which I exhausted myself trying to provide shelter for these people to protect them from the rain. The truth is, not even my umbrella can prevent the storm from coming. There is no easy way around it. Not even rain gear will keep you fully dry. Each of us have to trudge through our own emotions, allowing them to organically take their course.

I have spent a lot of time in the past year learning how to create and maintain my own healthy boundaries from some of the most important people in my life. It is a psychedelic concept really. I mean here I am once again in my life getting caught up in the black and white. Wanting to be the caretaker and endure other's pain for them, or completely disregard them as if their pain and sorrow doesn't exist. But like a typical rainstorm I need to show up, willing and able, in the gray.

Unfortunately I have learned the hard way that there is nothing I can do to fix any person, any situation or prevent any kind of rain storm from coming. I am a sympathetic person though, empathetic and compassionate. I feel more comfortable if I can take on your pain for you rather than watch you muscle through it. I'll tell you that my vision is fine, when really I live a life with a cloud of fear following me around, constantly. I'll order you a round of shots and a cold brew just so you don't feel uncomfortable not drinking around me. And the thought of even my most loved ones making an accommodation for me puts a pit in my stomach.

But these are things that I face in which I am responsible to deal with. I think that as we all continue on our own separate paths in life it is key to recognize that no one person, place or thing can prevent a rainy day from pouring down on us. But our loved ones will be waiting for us with a warm towel when the rain lets up. And I keep my stack of warm towels with me at all times, because mother nature is unpredictable.