A day in the life of a not so typical 23 year old woman...

Monday, November 1, 2010

The idea of you

I have quite a bit to write about I feel like. I have been straying off the straight and narrow path of perfection lately, and have been putting off my regular coping mechanisms. I've just been experiencing this breath of fresh air- this change, morphed version of myself- and I kind of like it. One of my new tactics is changing up my routine- so my blog has been put on hold. I apologize- I promise this week I will put more of an effort into letting you all in to the ring of chaos that envelopes my mind.

I had a pretty intense therapy session tonight. One of Oprah's critically acclaimed, 'Ah-Ha!' moments. I swear- just when I think life is boring and that I could use a little spice- I go to therapy, share my experiences, think my thoughts and feel my feelings- and I seem to always come through with a spit of exhilaration.  You know I have explained the black/white phenomenon that I frequently instill my schema with- that staying in the gray, living a balanced life- takes practice, and a lot of getting used to. It is easier for me to jump to conclusions, to loath in self-righteous behaviors, reward myself one minute and punish myself the next. It can be exhausting. It is a mental battle I struggle with on a daily basis. That is why I need my therapist though- to remind me that i am exactly where I need to be. I am perfectly on-time on my journey in this life- and I often times need such outside perspective!

So I took the long way home tonight. As I was driving I was shuffling through my iPod until a familiar song by Dave Matthews Band came on. The title of the song is 'Idea of You'. For some reason tonight this song sang right to me, and I haven't been able to get these simple lyrics out of my head. In his chorus  Dave sings,
' I fall so hard inside the idea of you
That's why with you can't say what I mean
Wanna to stay but I think I'm getting outta here'. 


OK- so I switched topics in the car tonight. I went from being self-concerned to wondering about love and intimate relationships. I feel that recently I have been stuck by a midst of lust and this song helped me process the feelings. I am not at a place in my life where I am actively searching for a companion, I am not holding onto long distance interactions, and in my world there is no such thing as a biological clock. But how do you know when you come across love? How can we recognize it without mistaking it for a blanket of lust. In thinking about my most recent intimate relationships I think about these lyrics and wonder- how do you decipher loving someone or just loving the idea of them?

I realized this weekend in talking with some long-time friends that I have had a lot of fleeing relationships- typically with men who are unavailable or in different zip codes.I can fall hard into the idea of someone. Thinking that maybe this person, the way we met, the divine appointment, the reason our paths were crossing is because we were meant to be together...then I take a deep breath and realize that that sort of commitment scares the shit out of me- that I would never be able to fully commit to a relationship- and which is why I don't ever give myself away emotionally. 

In thinking about relationships I can honestly say that in critical moments when I want to share how I feel, I shut down, punish myself before anyone else has the chance to hurt me- and bail. Obviously this cycle doesn't work. I recognize what goes on, and I am learning to understand why I act the way I do. 

Like I said, this blog is up close and personal. No shame- no gain. I just wanted to admit to the fantasy and story that I can comply to in my head.Creating such scenarios prematurely can lead to disappointment- and let down. Besides- someone you meet might just surprise you and surpass the preconceived notions you originally created. 

I'll just stay in 'la-la' land until Mr. Right shows up.

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