Honesty Heals

I've recently encountered a few situations in which I was asked to be brutally honest with myself, with those around me and asked to come clean about some issues in which I have been avoiding. I don't know about you, but for me the idea of being 100% honest, of fully opening myself up to vulnerability has always been far more scary than telling a few white lies here and there. I've always done a really superb job of compartmentalizing my life; choosing to reveal bits of myself in certain ways to certain people and hiding behind simple lies to protect my self image.

It is easy to tell this person this thing, and that person that thing. By building up an armor of lies I can protect myself and others from being hurt by the unbearable truth I feel I have deep inside me. However, what I have found is that the maintenance of keeping my lies straight is far more work than just being brutally honest. Not only have I been lying to those people closest to me, I have been lying to myself for quite some time now.

Why is the truth so scary? Why does vulnerability seem so unmanageable? The truth is, when I fully envelope myself into the simple act of being honest and up front life is less complicated. I have conditioned myself throughout life to put others' needs before my own, to take care of everyone else around me rather than doing what I need to do for myself. Like I have said before, taking care of myself has been a new endeavor, and it takes a lot of practice. The thought of putting my own needs before others' seems selfish, unjust and down right uncomfortable.

For example, when I was diagnosed with Stargardt's five years ago, the first thing I said to my mother was, 'I just don't want anyone to worry about me'. I spent the majority of my time taking care of everyone Else's feelings around the subject and neglected my own. I coped in my own way. I would roll around and smoke weed alone- and truthfully I believe that is what got me through that dark time in my life. I never allowed myself to be taken care of by anyone else. The upkeep of this facade was so exhausting. I spent all of my energy making sure that everyone Else's needs were taken care of, making sure that everyone else was coping alright, and neglected the fear, anxiety, grief and pain that I myself felt inside. Rather than being honest with the people around me, rather than just telling them how scared I am and how much I was struggling, I chose to front a bucket of lies to protect them. Well- that didn't work, and in turn I ended up suffering even more in the agony of my own isolation.

I have had a couple encounters this past week in which I was able to be fully open and honest with a couple of women who are very dear to me. As my nerves set in, the pit in my stomach grew, I swallowed my pride and got honest with what has really been going on inside me lately. And you know what- no one fled, no one got angry or upset, but rather a greater respect was gained and a deeper connection grew. I felt a 500lb weight lifted off of my shoulders, and by being brutally honest- I've found a healing process taking place.

Honesty heals the soul. To have the courage to be honest with yourself and those around you is a tact that isn't learned overnight. It is easier said than done, and it takes practice. Honesty doesn't snowball into deceit, it doesn't lead you astray and most importantly it allows you the ability to lead life with a bit of integrity and self-love. I've never felt so close to another human being as I have this past week when I was able to wear my heart on my sleeves and be honest. You can't expect to grow, to change or to heal stuck in a mud-pile of lies; in fact the only way to deepen your roots is to acknowledge your feelings and experiences for exactly what they are. I truly believe that the only way to grow is to practice consistent honesty.

Easier said than done. But I will tell you this- I've been able to look at my reflection in the mirror with love and compassion as a result of my own honesty. How healing!