A day in the life of a not so typical 23 year old woman...

Monday, December 6, 2010

Honoring Our Imperfections

I'm sitting here by the fire tonight trying to convince myself that there are positives of enduring this winter weather. The only positive that I can think of is that I am inside wrapped up in three expensive faux fur blankets (from Target) with our Pit bull Pacino snoring on me. I was staring at my blog for a bit before I started writing, trying not to feel guilty about the fact that I haven't written in quite some time. I am trying not to get down on myself for the fact that I haven't worked out since Thursday, I have a 'to-do' list as long as my arm, I ate a cinnamon roll for dinner, and I refuse to get help for the chronic headache I have had for a week straight now. In the midst of a quiet night at home, in moments of boredom, or in glimpses of contention I am most comfortable beating myself up. I know better than that. Or so I thought.

You know, I am learning slowly but surely that we don't get any say when we have situations thrown our way, we don't get to chose the details of our future, and we don't have the power to change our past. As someone who struggles with perfectionism I know first-hand how hard it can be to constantly chase my own expectations, and how grueling the consequences are when I frequently fall short of them. In a material world, where a society tells us that our weight, monetary worth, and popularity define our self worth- it is no surprise that the key to a fulfilling self-esteem is a never-ending circle.

I had a conversation with a mentor of mine a few weeks ago where I was able to safely talk about the many imperfections I often feel watered down by. I talked about how sometimes I over exaggerate even when it doesn't matter. I shared that the loss of my vision is really scary, and it is truly affecting my everyday life. I confessed that I thrive off procrastination and that at least once I day I tend to overindulge in something edible. I'm not always 100% honest (even though I am trying to be) and that I tend to screen phone calls and text messages way more than I should. I am really scared of a committed relationship, I am scared of failing, and am motivated by external factors. Sometimes I forget to wear deodorant, my feet tend to smell like rotten eggs after a good work-out, and at 23 I have had to pluck a few chin hairs already! I'll never have a six pack of abs, my ass is flat, my left leg is slightly longer than my right.

(Exhale). Yep, these are some of my imperfections. Some of these characteristics I have been fighting, resisting and denying for many years. This mentor of mine changed the way I think about my shortcomings drastically when she told me that rather than dwelling on the things that don't make me perfect, that it is possible to embrace my quirks and honor my imperfections. Ar first I was really taken back by the idea of that. Instinctively my mind tells me I am a slacker, lazy or not good enough; that I can be different that I can look better and feel different. But now, there is this notion that I can embrace my imperfections as a part of the whole me, and that the very things that keep me from being perfect are what keep me sane.

Each and everyday that I walk the healing path of life I allow myself to stray further away from the righteous ideals that I have for myself, and creep closer into the comfort of my own imperfections. I don't have a perfect family, I don't have a perfect body, mindset or outlook on life, I have proven these things to you, but what I hope you can understand is how precious these qualities are, because they make me unique and set me apart from the rest. They are the very nudges that teach me how to love myself a bit more each day.

Self-love, self-worth and self-acceptance are complicated subjects that don't come naturally to most of us. You don't have to like your imperfections, you don't have to accept them as permanent or flaunt them  publicly, but just think about honoring them today. Think about acknowledging them as a part of who you are, as a part of your progress rather than your lack of perfection.

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