Wait Baring

For the past couple of weeks I have experienced a persistent headache that outlived my regular excuses of the weather, sleeping habits and PMS. This headache was blunt, steady, and at times I could feel its pulse in the back of my neck; its vibrant tune buzzed its way through my concentration each day. This headache was different than most I have experienced.

As a child I used to get migraines right around the time my parent's separated, but dark rooms, a good cry and lapsed time all served as my crutch, and slowly the pain and  the migraines seemed to fade. In my later adolescence I would occasionally get a headache staring at the whiteboard for hours on end in school, but nothing a cold washcloth,  and a nap couldn't fix. In college I didn't get headaches, I got straight hangovers, which are much worse! So when I woke up with my room spinning I conditioned myself to continue on with my self-medication; pounded some Aleve, got a blue Gatorade and ate a greasy burger. Yep, that usually did the trick. But now, today, the only headaches I get are predictable when I don't drink at least 16oz. of caffeine within the first hour or two of awakening. I've learned how to prevent headaches. I make sure to take my daily vitamins drink a lot of water, and get a sufficient amount of sleep, and always have a stash, and back-up stash of Ibuprofen. But this headache was different. After a few days of pounding 1600mg of anti-inflammatories with no results, I resulted to my old medicinal tactics. Time, extra sleep, Gatorade and greasy food, I tried them all, but none of them worked.

I began to worry a bit. I had dealt with the normal stresses of everyday life, but didn't think that those issues could have been enough to cause physical pain. I was wrong. Apparently I had been carrying around some very heavy weight that was working sideways internally in the form of an ongoing headache. Consciously I couldn't pinpoint the cause of this irritating skull throb, but subconsciously, I've been carrying around enough weight that literally laid heavy on my mind.

I've been dealing with a personal issue in my life in the past week or two which has caused me some stress. I have been carrying around the unbearable bag of judgement, resentment and emotional despair, without consciously knowing it, and in turn, my body processed the stress in the form of a headache.

On Monday night I had a pivotal session with my therapist. I have voluntarily been engaged in  some form of therapy since I was six years old, but I'd never experienced the kind of out-of-body experience as I did on Monday night. I went to a really dark place in my childhood Monday night, faced some things in my life that I thought I had already dealt with and sealed away. The key is that I actually never processed these  things then,  and they have recently come up for me once again. So, in turn the judgement, resentment and pain, in conjunction with the consequential headaches opened up Pandora's box. After an intense  50 minutes in conversation with a person whom I trust, respect and seek, I was able to talk opening and honestly about the 500 pound monster that was causing me back pain, fatigue and headaches.

You want to know something ironic? After that very session I came back to reality and realized that my headache was gone. The release of that pent up stress was the key to my comfortable liberation. Decades of emotional baggage surfaced the past couple of weeks. Years of judgement, resentment and emotional pain. Years of waiting. Waiting to forget, waiting for someone else to bring it up, and waiting for the unbearable memories to wash away. But in the midst of leaning into my troubles, and my uncomfortableness I found the most gratifying relief. By embracing my feelings, talking about them out loud, and hearing my life as a narrative I was able to process some unfinished business, and in turn, I could set down the weight.

For anyone who isn't familiar with therapy, in touch with their own feelings, or willing and able to strive towards personal improvement, then this post might seem a bit bizarre. But for anyone who knows what its like to have that pit in your stomach, that voice in your head, the relentless thoughts and memories, the hurt, stress, tingling palms, pain or headache- then you can honor the stride I made Monday night when the pounding stopped. When I accepted my baggage, let it sit there with me in my therapist's office for a bit, I was able to  then leave it behind when I walked out the door. Phew!

Easier said than done. I just felt compelled to write about this experience. Stress effects us all in different ways. Judgement of others is a heavy load to carry around. Its counterpart, resentment, is even heavier. The longer we hold on to these things the heavier they get. A longer wait equals more weight. I am slowly learning that in my life procrastinating on laundry, cleaning my bathroom and organizing paperwork are less detrimental than procrastinating with my emotional processing. Stuffing my feelings only adds more weight to the baggage, and creates internal circumstances that are hard to bare.

Remember to honor and take care of your WHOLE self. Mind-+Body+Soul.

Honoring Our Imperfections

I'm sitting here by the fire tonight trying to convince myself that there are positives of enduring this winter weather. The only positive that I can think of is that I am inside wrapped up in three expensive faux fur blankets (from Target) with our Pit bull Pacino snoring on me. I was staring at my blog for a bit before I started writing, trying not to feel guilty about the fact that I haven't written in quite some time. I am trying not to get down on myself for the fact that I haven't worked out since Thursday, I have a 'to-do' list as long as my arm, I ate a cinnamon roll for dinner, and I refuse to get help for the chronic headache I have had for a week straight now. In the midst of a quiet night at home, in moments of boredom, or in glimpses of contention I am most comfortable beating myself up. I know better than that. Or so I thought.

You know, I am learning slowly but surely that we don't get any say when we have situations thrown our way, we don't get to chose the details of our future, and we don't have the power to change our past. As someone who struggles with perfectionism I know first-hand how hard it can be to constantly chase my own expectations, and how grueling the consequences are when I frequently fall short of them. In a material world, where a society tells us that our weight, monetary worth, and popularity define our self worth- it is no surprise that the key to a fulfilling self-esteem is a never-ending circle.

I had a conversation with a mentor of mine a few weeks ago where I was able to safely talk about the many imperfections I often feel watered down by. I talked about how sometimes I over exaggerate even when it doesn't matter. I shared that the loss of my vision is really scary, and it is truly affecting my everyday life. I confessed that I thrive off procrastination and that at least once I day I tend to overindulge in something edible. I'm not always 100% honest (even though I am trying to be) and that I tend to screen phone calls and text messages way more than I should. I am really scared of a committed relationship, I am scared of failing, and am motivated by external factors. Sometimes I forget to wear deodorant, my feet tend to smell like rotten eggs after a good work-out, and at 23 I have had to pluck a few chin hairs already! I'll never have a six pack of abs, my ass is flat, my left leg is slightly longer than my right.

(Exhale). Yep, these are some of my imperfections. Some of these characteristics I have been fighting, resisting and denying for many years. This mentor of mine changed the way I think about my shortcomings drastically when she told me that rather than dwelling on the things that don't make me perfect, that it is possible to embrace my quirks and honor my imperfections. Ar first I was really taken back by the idea of that. Instinctively my mind tells me I am a slacker, lazy or not good enough; that I can be different that I can look better and feel different. But now, there is this notion that I can embrace my imperfections as a part of the whole me, and that the very things that keep me from being perfect are what keep me sane.

Each and everyday that I walk the healing path of life I allow myself to stray further away from the righteous ideals that I have for myself, and creep closer into the comfort of my own imperfections. I don't have a perfect family, I don't have a perfect body, mindset or outlook on life, I have proven these things to you, but what I hope you can understand is how precious these qualities are, because they make me unique and set me apart from the rest. They are the very nudges that teach me how to love myself a bit more each day.

Self-love, self-worth and self-acceptance are complicated subjects that don't come naturally to most of us. You don't have to like your imperfections, you don't have to accept them as permanent or flaunt them  publicly, but just think about honoring them today. Think about acknowledging them as a part of who you are, as a part of your progress rather than your lack of perfection.