Capable of Being Wounded

Even though I haven't written in a few days doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about this blog. I don't really have a good excuse for not posting, I have just fully enjoyed rebelling against my regular schedule lately, and apparently that meant not following through with my nightly routine of a virtual moral inventory and a few moments with God. Rest assure my friends, J-mac is back!

As I sit here in my bed tonight I am trying to restrain myself from getting up and preforming my version of the quick-step as if I were made up in a glitzy costume and mesmerizing the crowd with my slick kicks. That is what watching two hours of ABC's 'Dancing with the Stars' will do to you. I mean I intended to get up from the television and do other various tasks this evening, but that show sucks me in. Why? Is it because like me, millions of other viewers really enjoy watching ballroom dancing, or is it that we can't turn away from well-known celebrities subjecting themselves to raw vulnerability? I mean, there were literally points of that show that I found myself making facial expressions on the couch, clinching my teeth, squinting my eyes, and biting my lip in a spurt of angst to watch these people perform. Right before the routines begin the camera zooms in on each contestant; you can hear their heart racing and feel their sweaty palms. As the judges and fans rave about the celebrities and their courage to come onto the show, I can't help but wonder, is it courage or pure vulnerability that is so enticing?

If you look it up, you will read that the definition of vulnerability is described as the capacity of one to be physically or emotionally wounded. Considering that, I've realized how much vulnerability I  am subjected to on a daily basis. In my job I see patients get cut open, operated on and casted up as means of being physically wounded. I volunteered at a Recovery Center on Saturday where I dozens of women were healing both physically and mentally from the painstaking disease of addiction. I watch Michael, the rebellious teen, come home after a long day and cuddle and lovingly stroke Pacino to sleep. And tonight In my 12-step meeting I was surrounded by a dozen grown men who were pouring out their emotions, talking about their feelings and exemplifying their wounded souls.

In our society we put such a negative connotation on the idea of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. It is a really scary thing that most people try to avoid because their fear controls their reigns. I know what it feels like first hand. I've lived my whole life trying to keep up the facade that I thought was my reflection. I spent so much time and energy tyring to hold everything in my life together, when really it was all falling apart. I fought vulnerability, ran from it even, fearful of rejection, judgement and abandonment. But the ironic thing is that I didn't feel confident, grounded or comfortable in my own skin until I was willing to let go and be vulnerable.

I have so many physical and emotional wounds. I have a bite mark the size of a quarter on my arm that was a result of my rock bottom (literally getting my ass beaten), and I see that physical wound everyday. With my visual impairment I am forced to make accommodations on a daily basis- my attempts of trying to hide it have worn out. I can't hide it anymore. Every morning when I take my 'happy' pill I am reminded of my emotional wounds and the help that I NEED. And every night when I go to bed, when I say the Seventy prayer out loud I am reminded that I am a walking, talking breathing addict and alcoholic and that my sobriety directly depends on my ability to be vulnerable.

But vulnerability is not a demeaning thing. It is actually in moments of vulnerability that people gain pure strength. Think about it- have you ever been turned off, felt contracted or rejected loved ones in moments that they exposed themselves fully and have showed you that they too are capable of being wounded? Or in moments of their vulnerability have you felt understanding, appreciation and closer to them than ever before? The truth is, we are all humans, and for that fact we are all capable of being wounded both physically and mentally. We all have our faults, our character defects and imperfections. But the more we take chances, expose our inner selves and open our hearts to others, the more power and confidence we gain, and the less scary being vulnerable becomes.

Vulnerable situations are still never comfortable. They aren't easy, and I am not saying that they are all positive experiences. But as I have found, the more open and honest we become in our reflection of ourselves, the more love and compassion the world will show us. Embrace your wounds!

So I've got a wake up call for those of you who still have reservations about being vulnerable and who this is a crock of shit: You're not perfect, you never will be, and as a part of growing, we all must wear our scars on our sleeves.

Literally.